"Evolution"(c)
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Chapter 1
It was hard to sit comfortably in the thick, padded
chair. My stomach was like a lead weight and my skin was
too hot. No part of my body was free from the vibrations of
stifled emotions.
The sun shot laser beams through the office window.
Every inch of my body felt the warmth but it wasn't calming
like it usually is with me and the sun. It was too hot, it
was annoying and I felt my face turning red at its
intrusion. I wanted to explode but I never let myself have
that kind of freedom. My anger dissolved into depression.
"I hear you Kelly and I really understand what your
going through but you must understand, you're not the only
one. At this stage in your sobriety, this is all very
normal. How long has it been? Three years?" asked Jerry
Henderson, a calm, middle-aged man who genuinely looked
interested in my pitiful life.
"Four years Jerry. Four God damn years of confusion
and turmoil. Isn't it supposed to get better? They say
it gets better. I want it to get better!"
I thought for a moment that I may explode right there
in the head-crackers office. Wouldn't it be the perfect
place for an emotional blow-out? He was a therapist, he
would know how to handle it. Something inside me refused
the much needed release and once again, I denied myself the
right to feel freedom and slid back into my seething mind.
Jerry was trying hard to help me get it all out of my
system but when it came right down to it, I didn't trust him
enough. He slumped down in his high-backed mahogany chair
looking defeated. Some childish part of me felt proud, as
if I had won a battle.
"Kelly, I know your hurting but I also know it hasn't
been all that bad for you over the last four years. Look at
the good things you've done with yourself. That's what I
want you to do over the next week. List your assets and
your accomplishments since you got sober. We can discuss
them next Thursday."
It wasn't hard to tell the session was nearly over.
He always gave his "think positively, look on the bright
side" spiel and burdened me with homework about three
minutes before the little gold buzzer on his desk went off.
His timing was remarkably stable.
" I'm not happy. I don't even know what I'm doing
anymore. Worst of all, I don't know what I want to do.
Don't I have some kind of purpose? I want one, one that I
like, something that makes me feel alive, bold, special.
I'm sick of wanting to be normal. I've been trying normal
for too long. Normal is stupid. Look at all the stupid
things normal people do. So much suffering so they can fit
into the grand scheme of things. It's not fair. I wanted
to be normal and all I got was alcoholism and now all you
can say is that I'm a normal alcoholic. Everything is
normal and it still doesn't work. I want to know what's
beyond normal, what's . . ." The tinny buzzer broke my
speech and Jerry smiled professionally.
"Twenty years of drinking isn't going to be cleaned
up in four years of sobriety. I'm telling you honestly
Kelly, every human being is looking for the meaning in their
lives. It's just part of the fun of being human." With
that he raised himself out of his fancy chair and held out
his hand to me. "Let's get you another appointment."
My body shriveled a little with the disappointment of
not being allowed to finish my ranting. I needed to do some
ranting, I had years of ranting to do but I always let
myself get cut off. Truth is, I was always on the edge of a
ranting session and it was wearing me down.
We walked out to the carpeted reception area where
everything was a quiet shade of green. The blonde lady at
the desk matched the surroundings.
"Just set your normal time up with Jesse. . . Well
you know the routine. Remember your list. Goodbye
Kelly."
Before I could open my mouth, he whisked a young man
into his office and shut the heavy door. I smiled at the
older woman behind the desk while deciding whether or not to
make an appointment. I wanted to do something different
this time. She waited for a moment, looking at me with
expectation but finally broke the silence with "Same time
next week Ms. McGrail?"
"Actually Jesse, no. I'll give ya' a call to make
the appointment. I might be busy next week." That felt
good. It was different. Four years I'd been paying this
guy to figure me out and set me straight. I had to have the
guts to break the tradition, maybe that would get me out of
the slump I was in.
None of this psychological sifting was helping me anymore.
"I'll just wait for your call then, Ms. McGrail." she
said with the intention of sounding like a firm goodbye.
"Yea sure, you do that." I smiled at her and thought
about saying "So long Jesse, I'm outta here." but knew it
was too rude for my usual demeanor. I didn't know what I
was doing nor did I think that any of this would help me
with my debilitating emotional problems but for the moment
it gave me a sense of great power, just to think for myself
and act on it without consulting with anyone else.
Though the air was cold, the sun continued to shine
with its full intensity. Stepping out onto the parking lot
pavement, I soaked up the energy from above. Ice sparkled
on the flat black surface beneath me. The sun made things
look beautiful even when they weren't. I grabbed for the
handle of the door to my rusted out Tempo but before opening
it, I pulled back. It didn't seem like it could be my car,
I deserved something better. Next to my car sat Jerry
Hendersons' six month old Jaguar.
"I paid for that." I said out loud and laughed. I
decided to walk home.
Reaching my apartment door, I thought that the heavy
burden of my depressed spirit was lifting. I wasn't
entirely stable but I had three and a half days left to my
four day holiday. No sense wasting them all on bad moods
and dark thoughts. The phone rang as I entered my humble
home.
"Hi Kelly. It's Shirley here. Sorry to have to call
you at home like this. I know we agreed that you'd have a
couple of days off but we just got this big project and we
could use your help. Gimme a call as soon as you can,
okay? I really appreciate it. Bye- Bye for now." The
machine clicked when the message ended.
My face dropped along with the keys that tumbled out
of my hand. My stomach bubbled with anxiety. I lunged at
the machine, fully willing to smash it to tiny bits, but I
stopped myself and stepped back. Stupid to ruin my stuff
because I'm pissed off at her. I erased the message and
shut off the machine.
"Sorry Shirley, I didn't get your message until
Sunday night and by that time it was too late. So, so
sorry." I practiced what I would say to her when I went
back to work. Sure, I'd hear about it for weeks but if I
went in at that moment I may of killed her. I figured I'd
be better off taking a long, hot bath and forgetting it. My
favorite places in the world were my old, claw-foot tub and
my bed. I soaked away my cares until the bright sun set
behind the distant western mountains and all the windows in
my apartment looked like black holes. Perfect, just what I
needed to calm my raw nerves and solidify my new found
confidence. I wasn't going back to the therapist and when I
had a day off then everybody else could kiss my ass. Yes,
there's my power. I crawled into bed and turned off the
world.
Sacro came into my life on a Friday evening. I'd
just seen a movie with my Chinese friend, Cassie. We were
walking to her car, mine was still in the parking lot of the
Henderson and Croft Counseling Service, and talking about
the movie we'd just seen. Suddenly, a tall man cut in front
of me. Cassie grabbed my arm pulling on it to prevent a
collision. All but his slightly weathered face was hidden
under a course, hooded robe. His hazel eyes were focused
intently on mine which produced a mesmerizing reaction
within me. I swayed and trembled beneath his gaze. A cold
gust of wind snapped me back to reality. I shook my head to
break the eye contact. He pulled down his hood releasing
locks of billowy, golden hair which danced wildly in the
wind. After saying hello and flashing a slightly mechanical
smile, he turned and walked in the direction from which he
came.
"Okay . . . Whoa, that guy was really weird. Who the
hell does he think he is? Did you see those clothes? He's
just damn lucky I didn't give him a taste of that women's
defense course I'm in. I shoulda set him straight."
"He just said hello, Cassie. You can't beat someone
up for saying hello." I felt a little shaky as I watched him
walk away.
"Men should know better than to approach women in
dark parking lots. Any guy deserves to be beat up if
they're going to do things like that." She pulled her coat
up as if to protect herself better.
I looked around at the well lit parking lot and the
eighty or more people going to or coming from the theater
and shook my head at Cassie.
"Besides, he cut me off in mid-sentence and now I
don't remember what I was going to say." she said with a
childish whine. I laughed a little but wasn't paying much
attention to her self-centered rambling.
The strange man had affected me. I gave my head
another shake and shrugged off the preternatural feeling. I
looked around the parking lot again but I couldn't see him.
"Kelly?" Cassie nudged me with her elbow. "Are you
still with me?"
"Of course Cassie." I turned to her and vowed to
myself to forget the whole moment. I needed the social
acceptance, so I refrained from talking about how I felt,
best that she didn't think I was strange or abnormal.
We went on with the average night out and I went
home. By the time I reached my apartment door, I had put
away the memory of the robed stranger. After all, vague
feelings about meeting a weirdo on the street couldn't be
trusted as anything of value. I went to sleep in denial.
With the weekend over, I went to work with as much
enthusiasm as I could. I thought about calling my kind
therapist but fought the urge. I was addicted to him, I
thought. I was going through therapy withdrawals, making up
excuses for why I wasn't ready to handle life without those
once a week check - ins with the man who could teach me how
to behave in the world. It really was time for me to handle
life on my own but it seemed so hard.
The dreams started about a week after the encounter
with the strange man at the movie theater parking lot.
I left work early and went home deciding that sleep
would cure my pains and get the crazy day over with. I
found myself praying as I lay in bed, something I did very
little of unless I was feeling particularly hopeless. I did
feel the warning signs of a downward emotional spiral
coming on. I tossed around, trying to find a comfortable
position. It didn't come quickly but I finally fell to
sleep in the darkness of my room.
The large man appeared before me again, the same way
that he had in the parking lot. He smiled and put his hand
on my shoulder. I brushed it off as defense against feeling
his strength.
"My name is Sacro. I look forward to knowing you
Kelly McGrail." That's all there was to it, the dream ended
when he said my name. It lasted a minute in total if one
can actually put time on a dream. The problem was, it
wouldn't stop. It kept on unfailingly repeating itself.
My body jolted upright with a claustrophobic feeling.
Sweat beads dripped from my cheeks as I clawed the bed
sheets. The waking relieved some of the anxiety and when I
truly realized I had only been dreaming, I laughed at my
childishness. Yes, it was just a stupid dream, nothing
more.
The dream took over the moment I fell back to sleep.
I awoke on several occasions more irritated by the invasion
each time my eyes fluttered open.
By morning, I was feeling quite numb. The dream had
gotten boring and my memory of it faded steadily the longer
I stayed awake.
Going to work was a blessing as I could always find
some way to ignore myself in my responsibilities. All I
had to do was act normal and everything would be okay.
"Kelly, about last week. Maybe you should think
about getting a pager. We really needed you here and that
answering machine doesn't do you much good when your out
gallivanting around." Shirley had come to offer me business
advice. She did it every time she didn't get what she
wanted out of me. She babbled on but I heard nothing as I
let my mind wonder to images of the dream man.
"Are you listening to me Kelly?" The shrill voice
yanked me out of my daydream. Shirley was standing over me
with her perfect business suit, matching coffee cup
complete with the bright red lipstick ring and practically
shouted into my face.
"What's going on with you Kelly? " She saw that she
had my attention and calmed her harsh voice. "You're
normally very attentive."
"Normally, I am very attentive to you aren't I?" I
asked.
"Yes, very much. Is everything all right? Maybe we
should have a talk in my office." Shirley loved talking in
her office. Since she didn't actually do any work, she took
it upon herself to mold her employees to fit her liking by
talking one on one in her grand office. I'd always joked
with the others that she was secretly hypnotizing us so we'd
do what she wanted more often.
"No Shirley. I don't want to talk in your office. I
want you to go away so I can finish my work." It just
popped out of my mouth. Judging by the look on her face,
she received it like I'd thrown a brick at her rather than
an answer to her question.
"Excuse me Kelly. I hear my phone. We will talk
about this later." she said, smiling for the rest of the
office staff who was undoubtedly looking our way. Her phone
wasn't ringing.
My muscles relaxed, my heart sang, I turned to my
desk and finished my work. I'd never talked back to that
woman, not ever in the five years that I'd worked for her
and oh, it felt divine.
Shirley didn't come back but the memory of the dream
man did. He popped in and out of my awareness throughout
the rest of the afternoon. Being a master of denial and
ignorance, I was able to push the dream image farther back
each time it appeared. By the end of the work day, I was on
automatic pilot.
Go home, go to work, eat, sleep. Just the basics
except that sleep became intolerable due to the continuing
dreams and my grasp on sanity was slipping.
Every night the dream went on running through its
fixed loop, not a single second of variety to change my
focus. It was obvious to others that I wasn't doing to
well. I couldn't talk to anyone about my troubles. Jerry
Henderson left messages on my answering machine but I didn't
dare call him. I was embarrassed that my already dark
vision of the world was getting bleaker.
My job was the first thing to go. I made it easy for
Shirley to find a reason to fire me. It might have been the
time I yelled out a firm "Fuck You" when she asked me if I'd
get coffees for her and the division manager before they
went into their meeting. I really didn't realize that I'd
lost control, I didn't feel a thing. I justified every
ignorant action by proclaiming "That asshole deserved it."
I wouldn't deny that I was in pain. I knew I was "acting
funny", as Cassie had said one evening over the phone. She
called to cancel our regular movie night because she
couldn't handle my moods.
The dreams continued so I decided I would just stay
awake. I passed out a few times much the same way as I did
when I was drinking. A drunk never really sleeps, they just
pass out when they hit their limit. This was the same
thing.
God was punishing me. I thought as I looked out my
window to the cold, dark streets. I had the heat turned off
and all the windows open to let in the minus fifteen-degree
Celsius winter air. No way would I go to sleep. The dreams
were part of my punishment and Sacro was the devil coming to
take me away. God was testing me. I prayed for another
chance. I cried in hopes that doing so would wash away my
terrible sins. God had to forgive me. Even though I longed
to talk to somebody, I only yelled at those that dared to be
concerned. Finally, I had successfully driven away all of
my friends. I thought the devil must have won the battle
over my soul, how else could a being feel so miserable?
Weeks of this insanity passed through me. Alone in
my apartment, I flickered through morbid emotion.
One particularly cold afternoon, after letting the
pangs of hunger reach my awareness, I stumbled to the
kitchen only to find nothing to eat. The cupboards had been
emptied and my hunger overcame fear. I needed to go out and
get food. I dressed myself to venture to the corner store,
not daring the journey until darkness fell. The bitter,
cold wind hit my face as I walked out and oddly enough it
felt good. I had never enjoyed the biting air of winter but
just then it reminded me that I was alive. After so many
long days of numbness had passed by, I supposed I'd
forgotten the refreshing qualities of feeling my own
presence.
"Please, let no one see my tonight." I whispered to
the frozen air. Sure, I was alive in the world but I didn't
care to share that knowledge with anyone. I had treated
people so horribly that, on top of the anger, I felt
smothered in remorse and shame. How could I explain myself
to anyone? I didn't even want to try.
I made my way to the little house-turned store on the
corner. The storekeeper greeted me with her usual bright
smile. I peered out from beneath my dark hood. She
squinted her eyes at me, her smile faded. I'd looked at
myself before I left my place. My skin was as blank and
pale as a sheet of empty paper, a complete contrast to the
shadowy rings around my pale blue eyes. My hair spilled out
from beneath my hood in dark tangles. I scared her. What a
strange pride I took in that. I knew that I looked like a
crazed mad woman, it wasn't something I could hide behind my
heavy winter coat.
She didn't recognize me at all. Her face contorted
in concentration as she tried to figure out if she'd ever
seen me before and I watched as it loosened up with the
realization that I must have been a stranger. I looked away
from her and grabbed a basket. I took whatever was easiest
to get at, not too concerned with the quality. My usual
health consciousness had gone with my sanity and personal
hygiene.
The last of my savings was passed to the nervous
storekeeper. She had called someone from the back who was
watching me intently while he packed my groceries into bags.
I wanted to yell at them, tell them both that they knew
me. I was the lady who came in every evening after work,
with my cheerful manner and polite smile. The one who
bought fruits and vegetables and whole grain bagels and
always had pleasant things to talk about. Ha-Ha-Ha, look at
me now!
I grabbed my bags of food, pulled my dark hood over
my neck and head and braced myself for the cold, night air.
The storekeeper and her companion watched my every move.
The door swung open before I reached it, letting a bitter
gust of wind and snow hit me dead on. A bold figure stood
in the doorway, not moving, not letting me get through. I
stood, looking down at the person's shoes and realized they
had no intention of getting out of my way. I looked up
toward the face, brimming with anger and ready to yell, "Get
the hell out of my way." when I found that I was looking
into the eyes of someone familiar.
My hazy brain scrambled for the name or some symbol of
recognition. Was it someone from work? No. Someone from
an A.A. meeting? Maybe, but no. Then it clicked in.
"You're not supposed to be here." I whispered. My
mind began to whirl. I knew the man's face but couldn't
accept the reality of it.
"It is all right." he said gently.
Everything around me faded to black. All I could see
was his carefully constructed face, that face from my
dreams.
"I can't . . . you're not real . . . " I stammered.
My voice faded out like my vision. I lost my balance and my
consciousness.
I dreamed in the blackout, a good dream of complete
release. Nothing appeared. There was only great darkness
all around me. Warm, comforting darkness. I could see
nothing but I felt clear-minded. A serenity I had not felt
in months had settled over my heart. Sensations of
tremendous peace washed through me. I had never known such
tranquillity and I certainly didn't want to ever leave it.
So this is why I had suffered, I thought, just so
that I could experience this moment with complete abandon.
The blackness swirled around me and I sensed a distinct
liquid movement. The braids of black resembled whirlpools
of motion. I felt the pull toward the center of a large
twisting spiral. I started to panic but let it go . The
pull of the motion was intoxicating, and I let it take me.
The feeling of powerlessness was just as
invigorating. Such freedom in this utter lack of control.
If I stayed in it forever, I would be happy.
Light hit me with incredible force, as if I had been
falling from thousands of miles above and suddenly hit
water. Light. Great spears of light charged through me. I
was in pain. I felt afraid again. The light brought with
it all of my own worldly senses. It was cold again and I
shivered uncontrollably. My eyes were struggling to focus.
Shapes and sounds danced into my awareness. My bedroom took
its full shape through the intensity of light.
In my bedroom, laying on my bed, I moaned through
the pain in my head. He stood in the doorway.
The man from the store, from my dreams, was in my
apartment. He walked slowly to the side of my bed , as if
approaching a wild animal. Each step he took echoed through
the halls. I could find no words, I was thinking in a
language of mortal terror. I hung onto the one word that
made sense to me, God.
"It is all right. You are safe. I am not here to do
you harm." He spoke while looking around my bedroom. I
wanted to say something but my voice was gone. I thought
about him the way he appeared in my dream. Could I be
mistaken? No, it was him. It is him, I thought.
"You did not meet me in your dream." he said, this
time looking directly at me.
I convulsed in shock. Had he read my thoughts? My private
thoughts!
"We met in a parking lot."
I relaxed a little. That was true, we had met in a
parking lot after the movies. I'd forgotten that reality
completely.
"What . . . who . . . what are you . . . do . . .
doing here?" I managed to stutter through my shakes.
"I am protecting you, guiding you, changing your
life." He said plainly.
We looked at each other in silence. I was
dumbfounded by his response. What a strange thing to say.
My mind began to flutter and race again but the strange man
held onto me with a fixed look. He entered me through eye
contact and comforted my soul. The pain I'd been living
with for so long was being lifted out and away from me,
released through his stare.
"What are you?" I asked, overwhelmed with his
presence. It fell out of my mouth before I could stop it.
I felt embarrassed immediately afterwards but he didn't
hesitate to answer.
"I am different from you or anyone you know Kelly."
"Yea, I can see that . . . How do you know my
name?"
"Your friend spoke it when we met in the parking
lot."
That was normal enough. Yet something about him
wasn't real, didn't seem possible.
"My name is Sacro." He said it with the intention to
jolt me to complete attention. My heart fell into my
stomach. The dream that had driven me to madness formed
clearly through my inner vision. I knew, without doubt,
that the only place I'd heard that name was in the dream.
Sacro calmed me without my consent. He read my fear
and quieted me. I wanted to freak out, charge off my bed
and make him go away but I couldn't do anything. I just
laid there, certain that my end was near, maybe welcoming
it. So take me to Hell, how much worse could it be?
"I am not your devil, Kelly. You have nothing to
fear from me."
I knew he was being honest. As afraid as I felt of
his being in my house, I knew he was something more
spectacular than a devil.
"I will take you from here now. Trust me Kelly.
You can feel that I am not a threat to you."
It was true, I could feel his calmness, his sense of
balance and love. He moved a little closer to me and
smiled. I pulled back.
"I'm not going anywhere." I said.
"I can bring you to a place of usefulness, a place
where you can feel courage and comfort. Is that not what
you have wanted for so long?"
"Yes, but I don't know you. God! This is crazy.
I'd be an idiot to go with you. For all I know you are
trying to kill me." I felt dizzy with fear again but, just
as before, his simple gaze calmed me.
"You know that I am unable to hurt you. I am sorry
that is such a surprise. I will take you from here because
you have a need for qualities you cannot find here. I know
where you can get what you need. Do not fear this, you can
come back if you do not appreciate what you find. You are
ready for this Kelly, otherwise I would not have come." His
smile widened.
I sat up slowly, feeling his strength encouraging
mine. He moved closer. A fierce gust of emotion swept
through me. The closer he came, the stronger it got until I
fell back, stunned. He reached out and gently touched my
hand. I couldn't feel his skin. There was fire in his
touch, like I was holding the sun. I was incinerated
without pain, pulled into his warmth. The walls of my
bedroom fell away. The floor vanished. There was nothing
physical supporting me but I felt secure. The heat was so
soothing that I didn't care what was happening or where I
was going.
Sacro was all around me although I could not see him.
He spoke to me, telling me to let go of the world. So I
did. I let go of everything that I thought of as mine. I
had nothing to lose anyway. Maybe it was the only way I
could find my right senses.
I floated in the comfort of being released from the
life I'd been tormenting in. I let my body mingle with the
loving touch of Sacro's mind. His words caressed me to
restful dreaminess, allowing me to savor each divine moment.
I cared nothing of the world I was leaving behind. Oh sweet
bliss, had I been wrong all this time? Had I mistaken this
man for a devil when in fact he was really God? Or maybe
just an angel? Whatever he was, he could not be bad, not
evil. He was too perfect, too kind with his preternatural
caresses. An angel had found me and I was going home. I
rested on the thought, taken completely by the spiritual
quality of it, how I had longed for something to feed my
spirit and finally it had come.
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